Old scars

On that awful day, everything was not a blur as I expected. I did not flow through the motion as I though I would. I remember everything to the last detail. 'and now we have reached' the old man in the front seat says. I look up and see the building, it look sad, with paint peeling off, and tear stains made from the rain. It looked like the building was sad from the years of things that It held secret. And I was to add to its sadness, I had no clue as to what kind of darkness it held but I was soon to find out. I walked in, there was no bell, no greeting, the smell of must and mould fills the air but none of that mattered because in my mind my only thoughts are 'this is where my daughter, my child, my baby is going to die'. The nurse calls my name, into a room I went, i look to see the doctor is making himself look busy, he does not make any eye contact. If I were him I probably would have not make eye contact either, the jelly goes on, doctor says ' there is the baby', and that was the last time mommy saw you. 'You're done please have a sit outside'. The nurses calls my name of a list I stand and walk reluctantly toward her. She brings me through the door I look back building my time. 'This way please' the nurse says impatiently. I follow her, off the side I hear a baby's cry, the sound was so haunting I gag and my heart is caught in my throat. I hold my stomach defensively. In my head I repeat the words of a liar 'it's okay mommy will protect u'. 'Eat this' the nurse say thrusting 2 funny looking shape pills into my hand. No emotion, they have pretty much harden every single person here like cattle' 'Take of all ur clothing including ur undergarments and put this on, and lie down till i come to get you' handing me a green robe that never seem to close properly at the back. I lie down minutes tick by, it could have been hours, I would never know, so I lie down and say a pray for u, a prayer for me and a prayer for daddy.I feel sleep starting to caress me, My eyes are closing 'mommy?' I hear a soft sound in my head, beautiful and innocent like the slightest tinkling of spring bells 'where are we mommy?, I can feel your breathing get harder, mommy are u crying?, why are u sad? Is it me mommy?'. 'It's okay let's rest together mommy'. The nurse calls my name, I don't recognize it. let me sleep, please let me rest. She calls my name I wake with a jolt, 'that's me' I respond. 'very well, follow me'. I hold my operation gown together keeping whatever I have left of my dignity. I walk thru the hallway, the walls are bare,The nurse push the doors open ' the operation theater' my heart drops. What am i doin? I question myself, do i really want this?'why is the room so cold mommy?, I can feel the icy cold floor from your feet, what is this room?what are all those strange tools for mommy?'. The first thing i see is the evil eye of that bright operation lamp and a bed buts it's not quiet a bed, with arms it looks like a chair but not quiet either. With a hole at the bottom I can't figure what it is. 'lie down hear please , your head goes here' I try to get comfortable but it's impossible. A doctor enters. It's the same man, not very big built, not very tall, a no nonsense fellow, no friendly chats with that man for sure. 'our friend is cleared' says the nurse to the doctor. Wait I think, was that just code talk?. ' mommy, who are these people? Why are u dressed in green?The light is so bright'. Extend your arms dear the nurse taps at the back of my hand making my veins bulge. 'And im going to insert this needle, sor-ry,' i feel a prick and a smooth stab 'okay we are done' another nurse comes to my right 'put your legs up mam', okay thank you', I feel a cold trickle at where the needle prick me. 'it's okay mommy I understand now, it's going to be all fine. Let's go to sleep one last time together now mommy, when u wake, I will be safe in heaven with Jesus, never forget me, I love u mommy'.'I'm sorry my dear please forgive me' No time to cry , no time to mourn now, u should have done that earlier. I look to the nurse on my left, I turn and look to the nurse on my right, and then darkness. I woke back in ward Gemini and a single tear trickle down my face. 'MY BABY!' i can feel my body screaming realising what just happen disruption of nature, a betrayal of my mind to my body. 'my baby' a pitiful moan. she is torn from me, from inside my belly, sent back to god in a metal trash, together with the days worth of biohazard waste, My head is cloudy. I turn to my right I see a girl 'do u know the time?' 'it's a little past 1pm. ' did it hurt?' she asked, in a soft voice. I nodded and I turn away. The world doesn't need me now, I want to crawl back into the darkness and disappear. I wake to a dull pain in my empty womb. Okay it's time to get up. I press the call bell, a nurse with a friendly face comes by. 'do u need help to get into your clothes?, come let me help, have a sit while I ready your medication'. I exit the doors i let out a breath and thats when I realize that life does not wait for me. I have never been so alone and so abandoned in my entire life... Mommy is sorry for your would have been, please forgive me. Please forgive me

how far would you go?

your love is my heroin,
your sharp word is what make my skin itches,
your pleasure is my victory
the frost that's there is what fuels me onwards
the guilt in your voice is what gives you away,
you turn your face,
you scream at me, but in reality who are you screaming at?

when u lie, u look away
when you are guilty, your eye softens
when your trapped, you lash out

u try to figure me out,
but u never will
because you look but u dont see
u hear but u dont listen
u touch but u dont feel

but even that, i love u so much
i'd cut my heart out and leave it on display
for all to see,

and that is the difference between us,
without honesty there is not trust,
and without trust there is no love,
when love is for the highest bidder
honesty is a hard virtue to maintain

so now tell me

hey u! yes, please dont act like i dont know ur talking about me! if u wanna say it, why dont u spit in my face as u drool ur slimy words out?!

come on, u talk about having balls show me where they are.

your low gossip is what fuels me.

dont just talk about you, ur WHOLE family are a sneaky lot.

heres what i want to do...come a little closer...

BOOM

BAM!

POW!

well it sure sucks to be you, owh and for good measure please follow instructions

1. take right fist and extend out at face level

2. turn fist toward yourself

3. pull fist back with fast and sudden motion

TIP: bending the elbow makes it all the more easier

now that just makes me feel all warm inside...

oh, wait, what? u feeling offended? yea in case u dint know little girl... get a book called the dictionary look up sacarsm and learn bitch cuz I DONT GIVE A FUCK .

oh wait, there is some sort of bulge in my pocket let me get it oh here i got it...

oh look what i found...ok its for you, wait there seems to be more

look a whole collection!!! all for you soggy tits

i guess.....

not happy ? then GTFO...yea go look it up

push this button

dint work? here try this then

...that feel so much better now... =)

howls moving castle

-i dont give a flying fart in space

hugs & kisses

acid

feels like bacon...what do u say?

so i found some cool pictures cuz im so bored during my lunch break like

while my coworker in the next booth is like typing away and here is what i found

hey lets gather around and all enjoy a lofty glass of coca-cora =)

this one is pretty cool

the total trust that the jumper has in the photograper is amazing

and this is for a little humor....

i always belive in the phrase "a pictures speak a thousand words"

and the lenghts a photographer goes to take them are even more priceless

and talking about shooting stuff i would love something like this to pop up when i get home from work some day

wouldnt u? check out another cool pic i found

yes its a camera...can u imagine u go up to some one and be like smile bitch ur on camera

BANG!

and the SPLAT!!

and then u die the death similar to a leaning tower of pluto!

or when ur at the air port and a sequirity guard goes all up in ur face saying 'ma'am, we need to do a sequrity scan' and then im gonna be like 'owh owh wait what?' "every body FREEZE BITCH!" GET DOWN!!! cuz...

im gonna comb my hair with my pistol comb while wearing my bread shoes

and before i say farewell to you...i would just like to tell the people in charge to put up more signs like this on the road , it would definitely make my day

sign reads: car balancing on the edge of a square box in anticipation of falling on to 3 large strips of bacon...yum!

ok good night my little flying monkeys!

i want to be a patchouli burger

SO today i was just goin thru facebook u know trying to find some intresting vids of stupid
people doing stupid things that migt make me laugh, and so i came across this vid about this
really hot guy he calles himself Davey Wavey but i dunno if its his real name, sounds to
rhyme-ish so yea, back to the point, and he is gay DUH! all hot guys are gay...so anyway im not
gonna whine bout that...he got a bunch of vids...about like anything and he has this blog...n i was
just browsing and then this one post he posted really got me thinkin...bla bla long story short...when i die i want to be exactly like this worn out sneakers





UM...OKAY why in the world would u want to be a stinking pair of old gym shoes?
what an AWKWARD thing to be right?
so the story is that i want to be like this old stinking shoe cuz of its mental state...think of it...wouldn't u want to serve ur purpose? this shoe is so worn because someone loved it...they loved it to wear it ALL the time...they probably wore it everywhere.

im qouting
as davey weavy said -"When I die, I don’t want there to be a figurative tread untouched or a sole unworn. If there’s more than a few untwisting strings holding things together when I breathe my last breath, then I haven’t experienced or adventured to my full potential. I don’t want to die with possibilities unexplored or opportunities unrealized."
pretty deep right? so thats why i like to live my life one little adventure at a time, like trying something new, doing something diffrent...i always think that if u eat something weird that its just going to make you live that much longer...doing things that are our of my comfort zone...so yea, when i die, i dont want to be a new pair of shining adidas...i rather be a pair of old and fateful worn out sneaker. wrinkled, and worn by the choices i make while my body does its little dance of life..
SO to end this blog on a WAY lighter subject i'll just show u wuts my latest um...fetish? well not really but what ever, its my new obsession thing its the Dr.Martens incase u have been living under a freaking patchouli burger...they are this freaking awesome boots that are made during the war time that have war like qualities, there lean, mean and BAD ASS...they were 1st built to stand hard work and harsh weather and what not...and were later adopted but bad ass skinheads and soon earn the image of trouble makers, thief, and hardcore punks...so yea im gonna quit talking now so u can see how they look like...here..dont get jelous =)

these are the classics

the original 1980's version

the pair that im considering to buy 2nd hand from my fren


random guy lacing up his dr. martens

skin head

hardcore skinheads FREAKING AWESOME!!

a more human model wearing them...awesome right?

dr.Marten neon collection- (yeah eat ur heart out)

anybody who is anybody wears them love the yellow avril's

the sight of them just makes me thing of trouble makers

my lecturer's wife got this one...upclose they look better oh there shiny by the way

before u eat ur heart out i already ate mine...dr.Martens featuring Jean Paul Gaultier *dies*

they just scream BITCH dont they? LOVE!!

calf boots

these are how the pair that i wanted to get from my fren look like when there worn...hot and red

still dont like them?

check out the limited edition guitar hero version... BURN!

SO cute...