Old scars

On that awful day, everything was not a blur as I expected. I did not flow through the motion as I though I would. I remember everything to the last detail. 'and now we have reached' the old man in the front seat says. I look up and see the building, it look sad, with paint peeling off, and tear stains made from the rain. It looked like the building was sad from the years of things that It held secret. And I was to add to its sadness, I had no clue as to what kind of darkness it held but I was soon to find out. I walked in, there was no bell, no greeting, the smell of must and mould fills the air but none of that mattered because in my mind my only thoughts are 'this is where my daughter, my child, my baby is going to die'. The nurse calls my name, into a room I went, i look to see the doctor is making himself look busy, he does not make any eye contact. If I were him I probably would have not make eye contact either, the jelly goes on, doctor says ' there is the baby', and that was the last time mommy saw you. 'You're done please have a sit outside'. The nurses calls my name of a list I stand and walk reluctantly toward her. She brings me through the door I look back building my time. 'This way please' the nurse says impatiently. I follow her, off the side I hear a baby's cry, the sound was so haunting I gag and my heart is caught in my throat. I hold my stomach defensively. In my head I repeat the words of a liar 'it's okay mommy will protect u'. 'Eat this' the nurse say thrusting 2 funny looking shape pills into my hand. No emotion, they have pretty much harden every single person here like cattle' 'Take of all ur clothing including ur undergarments and put this on, and lie down till i come to get you' handing me a green robe that never seem to close properly at the back. I lie down minutes tick by, it could have been hours, I would never know, so I lie down and say a pray for u, a prayer for me and a prayer for daddy.I feel sleep starting to caress me, My eyes are closing 'mommy?' I hear a soft sound in my head, beautiful and innocent like the slightest tinkling of spring bells 'where are we mommy?, I can feel your breathing get harder, mommy are u crying?, why are u sad? Is it me mommy?'. 'It's okay let's rest together mommy'. The nurse calls my name, I don't recognize it. let me sleep, please let me rest. She calls my name I wake with a jolt, 'that's me' I respond. 'very well, follow me'. I hold my operation gown together keeping whatever I have left of my dignity. I walk thru the hallway, the walls are bare,The nurse push the doors open ' the operation theater' my heart drops. What am i doin? I question myself, do i really want this?'why is the room so cold mommy?, I can feel the icy cold floor from your feet, what is this room?what are all those strange tools for mommy?'. The first thing i see is the evil eye of that bright operation lamp and a bed buts it's not quiet a bed, with arms it looks like a chair but not quiet either. With a hole at the bottom I can't figure what it is. 'lie down hear please , your head goes here' I try to get comfortable but it's impossible. A doctor enters. It's the same man, not very big built, not very tall, a no nonsense fellow, no friendly chats with that man for sure. 'our friend is cleared' says the nurse to the doctor. Wait I think, was that just code talk?. ' mommy, who are these people? Why are u dressed in green?The light is so bright'. Extend your arms dear the nurse taps at the back of my hand making my veins bulge. 'And im going to insert this needle, sor-ry,' i feel a prick and a smooth stab 'okay we are done' another nurse comes to my right 'put your legs up mam', okay thank you', I feel a cold trickle at where the needle prick me. 'it's okay mommy I understand now, it's going to be all fine. Let's go to sleep one last time together now mommy, when u wake, I will be safe in heaven with Jesus, never forget me, I love u mommy'.'I'm sorry my dear please forgive me' No time to cry , no time to mourn now, u should have done that earlier. I look to the nurse on my left, I turn and look to the nurse on my right, and then darkness. I woke back in ward Gemini and a single tear trickle down my face. 'MY BABY!' i can feel my body screaming realising what just happen disruption of nature, a betrayal of my mind to my body. 'my baby' a pitiful moan. she is torn from me, from inside my belly, sent back to god in a metal trash, together with the days worth of biohazard waste, My head is cloudy. I turn to my right I see a girl 'do u know the time?' 'it's a little past 1pm. ' did it hurt?' she asked, in a soft voice. I nodded and I turn away. The world doesn't need me now, I want to crawl back into the darkness and disappear. I wake to a dull pain in my empty womb. Okay it's time to get up. I press the call bell, a nurse with a friendly face comes by. 'do u need help to get into your clothes?, come let me help, have a sit while I ready your medication'. I exit the doors i let out a breath and thats when I realize that life does not wait for me. I have never been so alone and so abandoned in my entire life... Mommy is sorry for your would have been, please forgive me. Please forgive me